By: Bruce Bullington, GreensboroSports.com staff writer
It was like something out of a bad situation comedy. I didn’t think people like this really existed. I know now, however, that they do. Who am I talking about? The anti-sports girlfriend.
This summer, a friend of mine dated a woman who seemed perfectly rationale….at first. He’s a pretty big sports fan so he tries to be very upfront with women about his level of obsession with sports. Well, after the initial courting stage was over, she went about the futile process of attempting to broaden his horizons. What this really meant was getting him to stop liking things he liked and doing things she wanted.
He tried compromising.
HeÂ went to fancy restaurants, weddings, concerts. For him, this was pretty earth-shattering stuff. However, since an evening at home watching reruns of the 2004 World Series of Poker still sounded more like a good time than waiting an hour for a table at the Olive Garden, to her he was a no-class crumb-bum. They would have pretty nasty arguments about sports and their relative importance. On the day of the 7th game of the Stanley Cup Finals between the Hurricanes and the Edmonton Oilers, he was a nervous wreck. He also made the mistake of saying that this would probably be the biggest day of his entire life. This led to a tear-filled diatribe about how could he say that meeting her wasn’t the biggest day of his life (as if!) and a bunch of other estrogen-filled nonsense. Needless to say, their relationship died a slow, painful death.
Don’t get me wrong. I know there are more important things in life than sports. Or, should I say, there are some things in life more important than some sports. For the benefit to the dozens of women who read greensborosports.com on a daily basis, let me explain. There is a sliding scale of how important a sporting event is relative to what demands you, as a woman, are making. For example, if you’re whining about wanting to go see “The Lake House” with the handsome and talented Keanu Reeves and his favorite baseball team, who’s already fifteen games out, is playing the Devil Rays, the choice is clear. He should bite the bullet and head down to the Carmike. However, if you’re cousin, who you see once every-other-Christmas is getting married on the same day as the State-Carolina football game, guess what? Don’t even ask. Rivalry football game trumps distant relative’s wedding.
For easy reference, here is a good guide for whether the man in your life is being unreasonable in choosing sports over whatever it is youâ€™re nattering on about:
Regular season ACC basketball game > Watching Lord of the Rings DVD
Going to dinner on a Friday night > Regular season baseball game against non-rival
Two top ten teams football teams playing in primetime > playing 80’s Trivial Pursuit with the neighbors
Reruns of televised poker > Just sitting around talking
And if we’re talking about the post-season and it’s his favorite team in it, here are events that you will need to drag him away from the television:
Childbirth (yours, and hopefully his)
Imminent death (yours, his, your parents or his parents)
Hmmmm, yeah, that just about covers it. I know this column comes off as just another lame “Men are from Mars” type of column that hacks like Dave Berry have been cranking out for years. However, I’ve never seen any of these people actually lay out a simple, practical formula for determining whether or not to open your pie-hole.
Basically, the bigger the game, the bigger the reason you need to pry him away. You can send all the thank-you letters to firstname.lastname@example.org. And you’re welcome.