Are Parents Too Involved?

Special to Greensborosports.com…..

In the sports world today a great question has been raised as far as parents and
their involvement with their kids and coaches. Most people would agree that a parent
should be involved in their kids extra curricular activities as much as possible. No
one would argue that. But when do we draw the line when parents are trying to tell
coaches what to do as far as it goes with their children? Normally it is centered
around playing time to even telling the child to listen to them as far as how they
Should play. Many times you can see kids looking up in the stands at basketball
games following instructions from their parents as if the coach has no idea of what
they are doing. Most parents will not like this, but that is dead wrong no matter
what the end results are. Too often when a coach chastises a kid and the parents
think it is wrong, they tend to start saying things like “we will find some where
else to play”. When a coach tells a kid that they are not
what people or the paper are saying that they are and the kid take offence and go
tell their parents, before you know it the coach is in some type of meeting with
administration being chastised in front of the parents and kid. Ask yourself, What
precedence are we setting here? Coaches should have the right to tell a player when
they are not performing up to par and if a kid take it the wrong way and feel a
need to run home and tell their parents, when is the parent going to say “the coach
is right” and leave it be? The coach is the authoritative figure here and not the
child. Constructive cricism does not always come off the same way. If a kid is made
to feel as though they are some sort of super star from their immediate
surroundings and cannot handle things when they appear to go the other way, they
will be in for a rude awakening down the road. Parents need to stop trying to
challenge coaches every time their kid come home mad because the coach said
something to them that they did not like. They need to start asking the question
“Why do you think the coach said that”? Parents need to also stop with the coach is
picking on my kid syndrome. Just becuase a scout may be in the stands to come see a
kid, does not mean the coach have to play them if they have not been doing what
they suppose to do in practice and doing what the coach has ask them to do to help
make them a better team. No program should allow the kids to run it. If you find
one that does, it will not be long before chaos is just around the corner. That
includes the parents too.

27 thoughts on “Are Parents Too Involved?

  1. This is good stuff! When my child first started playing sports, I couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t just do what needed to be done to get the win and I found myself yelling to my child on the court. It was later explained to me by a friend/coach that the child has to run the plays set by the coach. It’s not up to that child/parent to do whatever is needed. That friend also went on to explain that if a play isn’t working, most coaches see that and make adjustments when needed. Fortunately for us, we have had coaches where they will ask the player and sometimes the parents what did they see wrong with a certain play and what could be done to improve it. I will always be involved in any sport that my children play, but I now let the coach be the coach and I be the supportive parent that I am!

  2. Very well said. Let the coaches coach! If the parents think they know better, take the pay cut and coach the team yourself.

  3. Andy,

    Great stuff here…right on the money!!! send this over to me in a word doc if you will let me publish this in my February issue of Sports carolina monthly. I would love to run it. Let me know.
    John O

  4. You left out one detail: In my humble opinion, Parents should not be permitted to coach their kid.

  5. This article needs to be put in the Greensboro News-Records as well. Nothing is wrong for a parent to be at a game and cheering a kid and their teammates on, but it becomes ridiculous when parents make it seems as though its the coaches fault when their kid is nor performing. If more parents would be open and honest with kids and let them no when they are doing well but also have the mindset to let them no when they are not and cut off all excuses when kids start blaming the coach.

  6. I agree in general with this entire article. Unfortunately there are specific situations with a narcissistic coach who has their own agenda that hinders the youth/athelete. In our case this is a powerful high school coach with a great winning record and everyone including the school administration is afraid of. His personality and way of doing business will eventually get him fired but there have been and will continue to be casualties of players giving up the game because of him. Parents have spoken up but he is quick to shoot them down using the “too involved parent” defense. Again, probably 9 out of 10 instances the parents are in the wrong but there are cases where the coach should be called out.

  7. I’m not calling out any names because this is my opinion. Many other current and formers players/parents agree but it would not do any good to name him, I just wanted to make the point that sometimes the coach is not always right.

  8. The best approach for all parties involved is to support the coach and team…..The coaches job is tough enough to begin with….They don’t need a pack of parents tearing them down and there are always other options….If you are not satisfied you can explore those and if you are not behind the coach and the team effort you are huting the team’s chances for success over the long haul……Individual numbers will come, but the success of the team must come first……We need to support all of our coaches and teams in this area……We all enjoy player numbers and stats, but the team standings must again, come ahead of the individuals’ standings…..

  9. I agree with you and in almost every instance you are correct. In this one case though the coach is totally out to promote himself and cares nothing about the players. If you poll former players and parents, even though the “team” was a success, they never felt the coach was there to help players improve as indivduals or players. There is no “pack of parents” or anyone that I know of that has ever complained to the athletic director or administration. That’s part of the reason he will be in control until he quits or something else happens. I know this may sound like sour grapes but if you were aware of all the facts it would be understood. Think about the coach of the karate team in “The Karate Kid” and you get a good idea of what we deal with.

  10. Andy I think every situation is different and not all coaches, players and parents can get along. Just like in most relationship, if everyone is not on the same page and has the player’s best interest then the parent should remove the kid from that school. The parent should take the leadership role and do what is best their kid because in the end that is what it is all about. What is best for the Kid! Great topic.

  11. The parents can coach the kids at home or on the off-season teams, but at the schools you have to let those coaches do their jobs…For some it may be time to move their families or go to another school, but the grass is not always greener on the other side…..But every situation is different and you have to do what is right for you and your family and good luck, cause those four or five years can go by quick……(There is a lot to be said for staying with a given situation and working your way through the issues….)

    The games get back on schedule tomrrow and I know everyone is looking forward to getting back on the court for the games…..

  12. Maybe the parents need to get out of the kids way and let them learn how to handle situations by working through them. They have to grow up sometime. Too often over bearing parents think they have to make all the decisions concerning their kids athletic situation. Sometimes another kid on the team just might be better.

  13. I have kids who play sports, Im there to support my kids I trust the coach’s decesion. I never say anything neg in front of my kids about the coach.,even if I don’t agree and parents will disagree. I feel like the coach know his job like I know mine,and I knowI would’nt wnt anyone telln me how to do mine.

  14. Great topic Andy and great comments! I think every parent with a kid playing sports need to take a look in the mirror, because this post is talking about us! Parents get off your “ego trips” and let your child enjoy their high school sports experience! If you feel the need to sling your power get out and do something to make your school a better environment for a great education. Very few of these boys and girls will make a living playing basketball in 9 yrs. Look back at the star players in 2003, how many are making living playing that sport? Yes there are a few and they are the ones that the parents allowed the coach to coach. What I hear from those former star players in 2012 is I should have listen to my coach more!! KIDS WHO HAVE PARENTS THAT SUPPORT THE COACHES AND TEACHERS ARE MORE LIKELY TO SUCCEED!

  15. It is nice to believe that all coaches are on their game each night that they are coaching but unfortunately that is not the case. In fact, there are some extremely bad coaches out there. Yes – there are a number of “crazy” or “out of place” parents that we all have heard or seen. However, I will still make the basic argument that these parents have expressed over the years.
    #1 – It will drive you crazy watching your kid play for a coach that does not understand the abilities of the kids that they have on their team,
    #2 – Watching a coach that is determined to make a specific player play a specific role that they are not fit to achieve while someone else in the line up or even on the bench is not getting a fair opportunity,
    #3 – The favors often make their way into the coaches decisions because the player is a senior, family pays a lot of money to the school or the parents are good friends with the coach,
    #4 – A coach that will play a specific kid no matter what they do wrong or will not take the kid out regardless of the number of turnovers/mistakes or inability to compete during a specific game versus giving another kid the opportunity, and
    #5 – The coach continues to blame other kids or over look the mistakes of specific players while constantly blaming other players that did not create the mistake from the beginning.

    Whether we are talking about middle school, AAU or high school, the reality is that there are some very bad coaches out there and often it is these parents that will be labeled as a trouble maker, crazy or out of place parents that have the gut to speak up before it is too late. When these players are younger (say in the 9u – 13u age group) it is very easy to throw them off track with the sport if you have a bad coach. It is not always practical to remove your player from the team or relocate so easily. Thus, some of these parents are left with no alternative but to speak up about what is obviously wrong from all accounts but no one else had the guts to say anything. You know the old saying “let coaches – coach and let players – play” but if this whole process is pushing your kid away from the game and clearly the coach is not addressing the issue either in practice, 1 on1 or even at game time, parents have to be parents and help their kids even if it gets temporarily crazy. We should all be supporting our coaches, players and organization while wearing the color on our back. Coaches that have an open door policy and that take the time to talk to their kids and parents will usually avoid problems to this level. If you are a coach that says, it is my way or the highway and I don’t want to hear from anyone, will eventually lose their team, job or all of the above (hopefully).

  16. You know something is wrong when your kid plays for 3 different high school programs, goes the route of re-classing to get that extra year and I doubt VERY SERIOUSLY it has anything to do with the coaching………….

  17. Or even a player who goes to 3 different schools, practices for a week or so in the summer at a 4th but does not attend because he Is told he will, by no means, be the “straw that stirs the drink” (credit to Reggie jackson), but the parent(s) “kill the coaches”. You have to remember that the coach’s job is to put the pieces of the puzzle together so that they fit best to give the team the best chance of winning during a game or a season. You make think your son (or daughter) is a “2” but the coach plays him/her at the “4” because it helps the team (TEAM???). Most parents are not astute about the game to the point they can realistically evaluate their own players abilities and potential or view the whole game versus focussing on their own child while the game is in progress.
    Maybe there are lots of coaches that parents do not agree with the way they coach or handle a specific player but reality (hmm, wonder why?), in my humble opinion, is that there are more crazy and unrealistic parents than bad coaches.

  18. These types of parents are the same ones that always find problems in their workplace, church and any other social settings they are involved in. There probably a small percentage of coaches that may not be the fit for 2 kids out of 12 on a team, do the school fire him for that? No, can that cause parents to appear out of control yes! If I am unhappy with a service, I change service providers and I teach my kid the same. But I would not give my child a false security that I can make a coach do something that he doesnt believe in! Basically it boils down to if you are that unhappy with your coaching staff- take your kid and ball somewhere else.

  19. You can encourage/coach your kid from the stands. But it has to be on things that aren’t going to effect the goals of coach. “Hustle”, “pick your head” up, “great pass”, “watch your your foot work”, “way to stay home”, etc … all things a parent can encourage from the stands. But if your kid is looking at you instead of watching the game, then it’s a problem.

    Telling your kid do “take it to hole yourself” is something that could go against what the coach is trying to get accomplished. I watched my daughter, who has a knack for stealing passes, stay home on her defensive assignment on the elbow/free throw line. There were 3-5 passes she had a shot at but she didn’t go for them. I waited until after the game to say something and found out that’s what the coach told her to do. Coaching her from the stands to jump those passes would have distracted her focus.

    Kids are fragile structures: they can be built up to eventually be big and strong but as they are being built, they can be torn down quickly by a coach or parent.

  20. All very solid arguments, but I think the kids are a problem too. There are a lot of selfish kids out there today. In fact, when I played I really can’t recall the selfishness that I see today, and I played high school ball in the early ’90s. Maybe I was blind to the fact that there were selfish kids and teammates out there when I played, but I remember it was more about the “TEAM” than about themselves.

    I wish parents would show their kids characteristics of winners. Those who are “THE REAL WINNERS” are those who work their problems out and don’t run from them. Most of these parents that complain never take the time to walk into the coach’s office and speak to them about their issues; instead they jack and jaw in the bleachers and in the community. Will there be a situation where coach and the player/parent just don’t mesh? Absolutely, however, be a true parent and teach your kids the right way to resolve an issue. Be a leader for your kids, instead of being immature and not showing the right way to handle adverse situations. Your kids need to grow up — PERIOD…Quit babying them and filling their heads with non-sense and making them out to be the next Lebron James or Cam Newton. Those types of players come one in a million. I have seen kids pout on the sidelines after a win because they didn’t get enough carries or touch the ball as much as they would have liked. How can a coach promote a player like this to a recruiter at the next level no matter the talent?..It is really sad now-a-days to see kids act this way and yes they are kids, but they need to be held responsible as well.

    Parents, make your children earn their stripes instead of making them feel they are entitled, because in the real world after sports are over, they will need to have learned what it takes to be a “A REAL WINNER”. A WINNER IN LIFE – such as marriage and being a parent themselves one day where they just don’t pack up a bag and run away. Again, there will be situations in life as well where things just don’t mesh, but if taught the right way and things still don’t work out, then it won’t be because they didn’t try.

    Maybe it has always been this way, and I’ve just been blind and naive.

  21. This has been a solid topic over the past couple of days and a good one….Hope the fans are well-behaved tonight and that they will pull hard and be positive for the kids….

  22. I have to agree with this article to an extent. I am probably that type parent that you are talking about. I cheer til the end for my children and the team. But then you have coaches who let things go on in a game that shold not. you pull a team player for messing up one time then you let another team mate make mistake after mistake and some times cause some losses but nothing is said. I also think that the Coach who fight for scholarship and the advancement of players are all gone. I remember as a student athlete going to college, you trust these coaches and then in the end you get screwed. Coaches now seem not to care past a L or a W. I am involved and will continue to be involved and pray that they dont have to go thru what alot of student athletes do. Now it can get out of hand with parents, but that is when the coach has to communicate with the student AND the parents.

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